when the universe cries with you...

Three weeks ago.

12.8. The number that re-defined our life... tears are falling. I can feel them. I didn't realize I was crying. The rain season started on that day. For some reason the streets were empty. It was dark like it was night time. Sun never came out on that day. We made it to the school. J is surprised to see me. And happy. Smiling, always smiling. I am shaking inside. I want to scream. But I smile. And try not to cry. I know what it means. I feel like no one else does. I do. I know. I think I was waiting for this.

Our whole February was a disaster. Theft, exploding tires, virus after virus, issues at work... it just didn't stop. I told T, that this is not it. Something bad is coming. It felt like I was tested. Can you handle it? He said I'm being silly...

I knew. 

We got to the emergency room. The boy was happy and laughing. The doctors couldn't even believe that he is sick. That changed when the blood work came back. I saw the doctor reading the note, her eyes growing big. All I could say was "It's not good right." She looked at me and nodded. She couldn't even say it out loud. But the running started. Head of emergency room, children's endocrinologist, head of pediatrician complaining how come we don't have a bed yet. And J. Laughing. Smiling. And I, just trying not to cry.

And then I shut down. Go into mom-mode. There is no time for tears. Deep breath and start reading everything and anything that there is to know. Worry, study, try, repeat. It feels like every meal time is a test on how good of a parent I am. The results will be staring at me after two hours. I switched off. The only focus was on learning to take care of him. He gets insulin and smiles, doesn't even flinch when I check his blood sugar value. He is as happy as he has ever been. Until he hears that it's forever. He will have this until he is an old man... then he cries, and I want to break down and cry with him. But I shut myself down.

T returns home on Saturday. My body starts to relax. I still have to wake up at night, but I'm not alone. We go to church on Sunday. That's when I fall apart. I cry when we sing, I cry when the congregation prays for us. When they offer to pray for him. When they pray for a miracle that he'll be healed. I want to shout to everyone that it's forever. I don't, but I cry. And I let it out. And then I feel ok. 

The world didn't stop turning. I am fine. J is fine. We will figure this out. We will not let a diagnosis define us. So much help has been offered to us. Emails, messages, information. Connections with the best doctors in the world. It feels like everyone is on our side. Patience, caring, love. Hope. It doesn't feel bad anymore. He is proud when he can take care of himself. He remains himself. Positive, active little boy. He comes home from swimming club, and tells me how he was faster than the grade two and three students. He feels strong. Nothing has changed. And yet, everything has changed.

This is our life with type 1 diabetes.

new year new dreams

It took me this long... Really. To refine the things I want to pursue this spring. We're in March so I think this might carry out through the summer months too. I first did the inspiration board last fall and really enjoyed having as a desk top picture. I actually felt inspired and then of course the sense of accomplishment when working on those goals. This is what I have in mind for this year.

Press handstand. This is one of "ultimate fitness" moves for me. If I can accomplish a press handstand, I fell fit. I set this goal years ago and never worked on it. I'm hoping that getting that daily reminder about it I will keep working on it finally.

Orange Fatboy hammocks. We actually own two of these. BUT they are stuck in storage for now. With our house being built and no privacy on the plot I just can't think of where to put them. This picture pushes me to work hard so we can finish the house and also reminds me to slow down and have a rest, even if it is not in our own hammock.

Two Friendship quotes. Living so far from my friends, and building new connections I wanted to include reminders into my board. I miss my old ones, and adore my new ones. I am so glad that phone calls, messages, sharing pictures and videos is so easy these days.

Minimalism quote and picture. To keep me on course of what I truly love and value. In this world it is so hard not to shop. Shopping is part of our lives. And denying those impulse buys is a big deal. I don't want the stuff but for some reason they still jump into my hands and into my shopping cart. More than once in February I actually did a U-turn before the cash register to return the goods that I don't need. Not easy but getting easier and easier every time.

Healthy choices.  I'm working on making healthy choices when it comes to make up, cosmetics, food, exercise. This is such a big part of my life at the moment, that it is featured in many pictures.

Work. Keeping it simple. Working. Focusing. To do list. Time management. Morning moments. Efficiency. Loving your work environment and what you do. That's what work in 2016 means to me.

Family and travel. Last year I realized that we keep missing the opportunities around us. The goal for this year is show our kids the country we live in. Small trips, small budged, but life experiences and getting out of our normal surroundings.

So simple goals. Nothing major (well maybe the press handstand) but instead creating an inspiration board that is present in my everyday life (digitally, no clutter please) to guide and motivate me in the chaos that is my everyday life.

This little guy is just too AMAZING

The joy of accomplishing the simplest task. I look at him in awe...

Sometimes..

t's all about the moments.. Today we had some fun ones <3

Trying new things, and finding myself

This year has been hard, and amazing, and amazingly hard. While I think we actually haven't struggled with culture shock, and there haven't been any major happenings, it is still hard. I don't know if I know how to explain it, I feel like making the big move, both physical and mental, has changed me and forced me to look into the mirror.

And while it has been hard, as I said it also has been amazing. Living in a new country, facing new situations has forced me to find myself. I've been on this path for a couple of years now, but coming here actually has escalated the process. I realize I don't know myself very well. I don't know if you do, but I suspect that many of us haven't had the time to think about it for quite some time. Here are 32 silly but important facts that I have discovered this year.

    One of the most amazing moments in my life. This beach was truly untouched, the sand so soft that you sink in by 30 cm with each step and the water so hot as if you are taking a bath. Yes, I swam with my clothes on, I wasn't about to miss that opportunity.

1. As I am writing this I am 32 years old. I feel old and young at the same time. Random.

2. I try to exercise 5 days a week, but most of the time it's more like 3 times a week.

3. I would love to buy all organic, but unfortunately relocation and limited funds have made this impossible.

4. I admire minimalistic living. I am trying to find my way in that world myself. Since our possessions are actually very limited it is more about fighting the feeling that I need to buy this, that or something else. I am doing excellent in my closet, not so well with house decor. 

5. I struggle in new situations, but once I put my gameface on I can get things done.

6. I miss my family a lot, almost as much as my bathtub ;)

7. My mothering skills are put to test in the heat of Dar es Salaam. A/C or seabreeze makes me a better mother.

8. I was able to go from idea to execution with starting my own gymnastics club within 3 weeks.

The kids loved their first class. There is almost 60 kids enrolled in the classes.

9. My hair is curly now. And I love it.

10. I use baking soda, vinegar, soap and oil as part of my beauty routine for my hair and skin. They are doing better than ever.

11. I still struggle to breath through my mouth, I suspect it is because of my years of thumb sucking. This made snorkeling extra hard, but I loved how I was able to face my fear, just to get that amazing experience.

12. I still don't know exactly what do I want to do in my future, but when I picture it, it's starting to look like a fuzzy water color picture. So I am on the right path.

13. I am happier now living our simple life, than I was in my big new house, driving our big new car. 

14. I am more connected with my life than I was in Finland.

15. I get physically sick if I push myself too much. Fever, nausea, you name it. I have learned to pace myself. A little.

16. I start biting my nails and sweating immediately when I have to think about money stuff.

17. I am trying to start budgeting our spending. I want to be in control of my wallet, not the other way around.

18. I want want want to go to Finland over christmas, but I am trying to be reasonable about it. We will try our best.

19. Pinterest is my newest addiction. I can get lost in it, but try to control it to times when kids are sleeping or not around.

20. I am grateful that the kids have "Afrikka", what they call their grandparents place, and that it is a 5 minute drive from home. They love to go there, there is always alot of people to take care of them.

21. I am trying to do new things in my life. Next year I want to commit into a swahili class and pole dancing class.

22. I am in love with passion fruits. They make my day and luckily are super cheap.

23. The next thing I want to buy is an oven. But I am battling in my head on is it practical, do I really neeeed it, or do I just want it (this atleast shows some personal growth). 

24. My kids are turning into big boys, and I am desparate to have another baby. (Trying to quiet this need for a while still. I don't think we are settled in yet, and I'm definitely not ready to start the vomit fest again.) 

25. I have realized that all of my business passions will not be fullfilled with one job. I will need to combine many different jobs.

26. I am learning about social media as a business tool. It is suprisingly hard.

27. I painted our wall with a beautiful three colored geometric design. It was the first time I painted a wall.

28. Knowledge is a strange thing. On the other hand I love it, on the other hand it fears me. 

29. I love the new design of my blog. If only I could figure out how to edit the menus.

30. I love doing things by myself (llike painting the wall), so much here requires still help from other people, so my little DIY's make me feel empowered.

31. I love my husband and kids more than anything. The best moment of my day is saying I love you and they reply alot alot alot or infinity much <3

32. My new motto is fake it 'til you make it. Starting new businesses, in a new market make it very handy. :)

    My very first snorkeling :) definitely won't be the last. I saw a purple sea star immediately after entering the water..