when the universe cries with you...

Three weeks ago.

12.8. The number that re-defined our life... tears are falling. I can feel them. I didn't realize I was crying. The rain season started on that day. For some reason the streets were empty. It was dark like it was night time. Sun never came out on that day. We made it to the school. J is surprised to see me. And happy. Smiling, always smiling. I am shaking inside. I want to scream. But I smile. And try not to cry. I know what it means. I feel like no one else does. I do. I know. I think I was waiting for this.

Our whole February was a disaster. Theft, exploding tires, virus after virus, issues at work... it just didn't stop. I told T, that this is not it. Something bad is coming. It felt like I was tested. Can you handle it? He said I'm being silly...

I knew. 

We got to the emergency room. The boy was happy and laughing. The doctors couldn't even believe that he is sick. That changed when the blood work came back. I saw the doctor reading the note, her eyes growing big. All I could say was "It's not good right." She looked at me and nodded. She couldn't even say it out loud. But the running started. Head of emergency room, children's endocrinologist, head of pediatrician complaining how come we don't have a bed yet. And J. Laughing. Smiling. And I, just trying not to cry.

And then I shut down. Go into mom-mode. There is no time for tears. Deep breath and start reading everything and anything that there is to know. Worry, study, try, repeat. It feels like every meal time is a test on how good of a parent I am. The results will be staring at me after two hours. I switched off. The only focus was on learning to take care of him. He gets insulin and smiles, doesn't even flinch when I check his blood sugar value. He is as happy as he has ever been. Until he hears that it's forever. He will have this until he is an old man... then he cries, and I want to break down and cry with him. But I shut myself down.

T returns home on Saturday. My body starts to relax. I still have to wake up at night, but I'm not alone. We go to church on Sunday. That's when I fall apart. I cry when we sing, I cry when the congregation prays for us. When they offer to pray for him. When they pray for a miracle that he'll be healed. I want to shout to everyone that it's forever. I don't, but I cry. And I let it out. And then I feel ok. 

The world didn't stop turning. I am fine. J is fine. We will figure this out. We will not let a diagnosis define us. So much help has been offered to us. Emails, messages, information. Connections with the best doctors in the world. It feels like everyone is on our side. Patience, caring, love. Hope. It doesn't feel bad anymore. He is proud when he can take care of himself. He remains himself. Positive, active little boy. He comes home from swimming club, and tells me how he was faster than the grade two and three students. He feels strong. Nothing has changed. And yet, everything has changed.

This is our life with type 1 diabetes.

new year new dreams

It took me this long... Really. To refine the things I want to pursue this spring. We're in March so I think this might carry out through the summer months too. I first did the inspiration board last fall and really enjoyed having as a desk top picture. I actually felt inspired and then of course the sense of accomplishment when working on those goals. This is what I have in mind for this year.

Press handstand. This is one of "ultimate fitness" moves for me. If I can accomplish a press handstand, I fell fit. I set this goal years ago and never worked on it. I'm hoping that getting that daily reminder about it I will keep working on it finally.

Orange Fatboy hammocks. We actually own two of these. BUT they are stuck in storage for now. With our house being built and no privacy on the plot I just can't think of where to put them. This picture pushes me to work hard so we can finish the house and also reminds me to slow down and have a rest, even if it is not in our own hammock.

Two Friendship quotes. Living so far from my friends, and building new connections I wanted to include reminders into my board. I miss my old ones, and adore my new ones. I am so glad that phone calls, messages, sharing pictures and videos is so easy these days.

Minimalism quote and picture. To keep me on course of what I truly love and value. In this world it is so hard not to shop. Shopping is part of our lives. And denying those impulse buys is a big deal. I don't want the stuff but for some reason they still jump into my hands and into my shopping cart. More than once in February I actually did a U-turn before the cash register to return the goods that I don't need. Not easy but getting easier and easier every time.

Healthy choices.  I'm working on making healthy choices when it comes to make up, cosmetics, food, exercise. This is such a big part of my life at the moment, that it is featured in many pictures.

Work. Keeping it simple. Working. Focusing. To do list. Time management. Morning moments. Efficiency. Loving your work environment and what you do. That's what work in 2016 means to me.

Family and travel. Last year I realized that we keep missing the opportunities around us. The goal for this year is show our kids the country we live in. Small trips, small budged, but life experiences and getting out of our normal surroundings.

So simple goals. Nothing major (well maybe the press handstand) but instead creating an inspiration board that is present in my everyday life (digitally, no clutter please) to guide and motivate me in the chaos that is my everyday life.

Saying Goodbye

One of the hardest things that I have experienced here was losing my grandmother. Not to be able to say goodbye and be there at her funeral broke my heart. That is why it was extremely important to arrange a special moment where we all got to say our goodbyes.

Last Friday, few hours after her funeral we picked up the kids from school and drove to the beach. There is a beautiful location off to the beach where you can stand on the cliff and see the amazing blue ocean in front of you. We each had a rose, said a few words then sent the roses into the oceans while Whiz Kalifa sang on the back ground. Then we came home, ate some Fazer chocolate she bought for us. It was special. Our goodbye. I'm still waiting for a visit though Mummu if you are reading :). She was extremely special and I know she's smiling down on us every single day.

Love the people around you. Love them so hard that when they are gone, you know they felt your love. That is all that matters. Love. <3 p="">

New year, new dreams - but what to dream about???

Stories from last week when internet was not cooperating...


Happy 2016 everyone! I hope your year has started off with a bang. We spent five wonderful weeks in Finland (in the loving care of my mother) and were able to re-connect with some of our loved ones. Sadly the time wasn’t enough – or we were too lazy – to catch up with everyone, but hey, I guess that is a good motivation boost to go back again sometime soon.

I’ve been trying to work on a post that would best describe what I want from 2016. I even started to work on my spring 2016 idea board, but sadly – or not – I’ve hit a slump. Not so much in life, it’s as busy as usual, but more so in my dreams and hopes and plans.

We’ve set a MASSIVE goal as a family to gain some financial freedom this year. Nothing insane like “Let’s try and win the jackpot-bingo-lottery-raffle" but rather in managing our finances responsibly, working on some buffers and clearing some debt that we have accumulated over the years of relaxed consumerism. This also means that I note down every, yes EVERY, income and expense into our home budget app. Still trying to turn it into a routine.

I’m also working on some very personal goals of reaching a massive dream of my own: having my own gymnastics hall this year. While it seems to be becoming reality, I’m struggling to grasp it fully. Somehow, the fact that it is actually happening is making me freak out. While it was just a dream, it didn’t seem so daunting. 

I still want to set some personal goals, and quite surprisingly losing weight is NOT on my list. Yay. I would even call that personal growth. But balance, simplifying, family time, good food and exercise are on my top 10 list. But as most lifestyle gurus say, the goals should be specific and tangible so I will work on these topics once my head clears out.

We lost some loved ones last week, I lost my amazing and loving mummu (grandmother) and Tonny lost a close friend. The emotional roller coaster that I went through last week was not easy. At times I felt overwhelmed with emotions of missed opportunities and regrets and of unfinished business. Saying goodbye over the phone was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I know mummu is now in a happy place, with her husband and watching over me and my family in Africa. But last week I really wished I was able to go back in time, a day, a week, a month. She was a very special person to me, and I hope she knew that. I will miss her dearly.

It's a rainy day in Dar es Salaam today. While in practice it means huge pools of water on the roads and massive traffic jams, I do love the quick break from sun shine and the freshness in the air. It's a perfect excuse to sit down and relax with a cup of hot lemon water and the last rye-cheese-tomato sandwich made of Finnish cheese. 

I'm stealing back my time

 

Do you feel like you time is never enough? As a mother of two, with a full time job, and a growing gymnastics business that is more like a status quo here. Or at least it has been. Our normal day used to start from around 6:30 in the morning and would end around 8 pm when the kids went to bed. After 8 pm even though I could have "free time" I can't function. I'm just to tired to do anything that requires a brain. In my quest of finding a solution, I did what any modern woman would do - I turned to my beloved Pinterest. If you are not yet familiar with this social media tool - head on over. For a visual person it has been a life saver.

Back to the story. Time management. I posted about it here asking for comments and solutions from other time jugglers, complaining about not having everything together. It seems I'm not alone in this.

My search has now moved to the "testing" the new way stage. I have changed three things: 1) week planner and  2) early mornings 3) financial management.

I figured out that my stress and chaos can be controlled. I am not saying my life will now be a perfect little doll house, but I am hoping there will be less late mornings, less forgotten responsibilities, and less emergencies. This goes very well together with my minimalist life approach. Less of distractions, so I can focus on the things that I love.

Step 1) A week planner:

I have been an avid digital calendar user for years. And I love it. My choice is google calendar, because I can share it with my family, friends and business partners. I can also synchronize it with my phone so I will never forget that dentist appointment again. But online calendar doesn't give room for visualizing the week as a whole. I felt like I needed something that I can lay out all of my weekly responsibilities into it. Have my to do list constantly there and with a quick glance I know if and when I have space in my schedule. Enter my very own week planner: now I can plan easily the days I can work from home, or when I definitely need to go to the office. This should also help if and when the little guys get a flu or something (the basic way of falling into chaos when you are a mother). With one look I will know what I need to move around so I can stay home with them. I'm on my second week testing this method. So far so  good. These two weeks are feeling much more held together. 

2) Early mornings

Second thing I figured out that was creating the sense of chaos was mornings. I was always looking for the charger, while rushing the kids out of the door, checking my hair and probably forgetting something important that I would have to come back for that would make me even more late. And let me tell you, being late is like the end of the world for me. I get physically sick to my stomach immediately when I realize I will be a minute or two late. Can't even imagine what it is doing to my heart.

So I implemented early morning strategy. And I am saying EARLY. 5 am early. Like I said I never got anything done in the evenings anyways after the kids are asleep - I am just too exhausted. So I've decided to implement a sleeping strategy by Steve Pavlina. He has combined two most popular sleeping methods. Only going to bed when tired and always waking up at the same time. Two mornings now I have woken up at 5 am. The first seconds I feel like dying. But boy do I feel like I'm in control. By the time kids wake up at seven I have showered, had breakfast, read, relaxed, had a nice hot shower, listened to Radio Aalto and worked on some items from my to do list. I am dressed, my bags are ready and I can truly focus on the kids. Yesterday was the first morning to implement this and we were ready 15 minutes early. Can you say wow. The peaceful morning was worth the 5 am wake up. And I wasn't much more tired, actually my sleep was better and deeper this second night. 

3) Financial control

The third thing that we have done to curb chaos in our lives is budgeting. This menial task is almost as hated as going to the dentist, but money seemed to be coming and going out without any control. It doesn't help that we have both country's finances to keep track of with lots of mail lost on the way, and some banks refusing to update our address. But last Saturday we sweated through the session of figuring out our budget for Tanzania and Finland. That day food shopping (which by the way covers the whole week excluding fruits that we buy daily) felt fun and it felt like we are making the most of our money. This again has reduced the daily quests for food, and dropped the expenses because we can shop at the wholesale shop to get the best possible quality and price, and won't be enticed by the sale of the day items at the supermarket. We are long way from financial freedom, but control feels good. And frees up a lot of my time worrying and remembering the bills that needed to be paid, but never made it to tz.

Have a nice day! I hope my quest can inspire you to find your balance. I will keep you posted. They say that to learn a habit it has to be maintained for 30 days solid. Let's see if I can make it to the end of August. :)

update on the cutie pies

I'm long overdue in giving general update on the two mini people that wreak havoc and fill my heart with love and are also known as my sons. They keep growing, no one warned me about that they keep growing!!! It's unbelievable, one second they are little toddlers thinking about cars and Fireman Sam and the next day they are singing along to "See you again" by Wiz Khalifa and Charlie Puth and my heart just swells with pride. J is almost five now, and is truly a big boy. He is still him though, following rules and reporting any incident, but also has become a master negotiator. Mr M is still filled with energy and courage and there is NO stopping him once he makes up his mind about anything. My daily prayers are about him staying safe (read: Please make sure M doesn't try to fly out of the window like Batman) about them finding their way in life. They are growing up so fast, their personalities are shining through so brightly.

I feel blessed that I can spend a lot of time with them every day, that I control my time, and my schedule. I don't mind waking up early in the morning to catch an hour or two of productive time on the laptop, if that means that I can be there when they get home from school in the early afternoon.
Life is good in Tanzania.

It's beginning to look like Christmas...

Spending Christmas in Dar was not in the plan, but reality is that with the price of holiday flights we can make two trips to Finland on a low season. So we will rather do that. I am trying to find my inner Martha Steward and create our very own Christmas here. So you can bet Michael Bublé's Christmas album is heard a lot here. And Kemppi family long time favorite Wham! Last Christmas too. 

I am getting there. Already had one Christmas meal with the Finnish community and getting ready to make some piparkakku and joulutorttu on Sunday. With the kids so no idea if we will actually have any at Christmas ;). Kids got to meet Santa during the community gathering and it actually took a while for J  to get that it wasn't the real Christmas yet. 

Today we put up the (plastic)tree. I ended up getting the plastic one because even though the real ones are available I doubt if they would survive 2 days in this heat.

My guide to getting the tree ready:

1) hesitate for weeks whether or not to buy a real tree then get a lucky strike and get a plastic one for 12€.

2) put up the tree and realize it's tiny. Build some leverage with cosmetics metal boxes that are lying around: hey who needs those extra tooth brushes at Christmas??

3) put up the lights that you have dragged couple of thousand kilometers to realize that most of them are dead. Take them down to place only the lit ones one the tree. Find one of the missing bulbs and blug it in, and have another 10 lights working. So take them down and put them up the third time.

4) invite the kids to decorate. Re-place the ones that hmm... Are in the wrong spot (not being OCD but 4 ornaments on a single branch is a bit excessive)

5) sing carols and decorate (J's idea)

6) quickly grab some pictures because it's all over in 3 mins

7) admire the work 

I still have to hunt for the star but hey, it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

What makes your Christmas? 

P.S. Small Xmas miracle, the boys only fought after the tree was decorated and done. :)