Never ending project: me

There's been very few moments in my life that I have actually felt good about my body. First too small, then bad skin, too big, too something else. My high school graduation is actually the ONLY moment I can remember (if you don't count early childhood when you don't even think of these things) And that was quite a while ago already. I've spent most of my life feeling ugly. Thinking when I hear people laughing, they're laughing at me. When people pass me by, they must think I'm disgusting. A waste of space. I could Never say no to anyone, because they might not want to be my friend anymore. In my life I have had some people, Tonny especially, who have made me feel I'm ok, and that they find me beautiful. But I've felt it as how they see me, never how I see myself. 

When I turned thirty last year I decided enough is enough. This endless feeling of sadness when I look into the mirror. But I didn't want a quick fix, because I have tried those before, I wanted a change, a total mind, body and soul transformation. And it took time. For the first couple of months I didn't even do anything about my body. I was looking for HOW to do it in a way that would finally lead to success. I finally found an exercise program that made me push hard, so I could feed the competitive side of myself, and yet it couldn't take up too much time or money so that I would and could stick to it no matter what. Chris Powell's book choose to lose helped me a lot. It simplified it, gave me basic ground to start from. I started 31.12.. Weighing 73 kilos on that day. The progress was good and while I was still struggling it made sense, and gave me hope. Unfortunately pneumonia, influenza, and an ear infection made me sick for two months... After that there was a long way to bounce back. Moments when i just wanted to give up. So I took it slow and decided to work on my mind and soul for a while. Reading books that shaped my life and how I saw food. I think that this was actually the fact that finally made me bounce back and gain confidence I lost at the age of 9 by bullies at school. I know who I am now and all of a sudden my weight started falling off again.

I still have five kilos to drop to reach my original goal of 57 kg, but surprisingly yesterday before my evening workout I looked into the mirror and actually liked what I saw. I smiled. I know I will drop the weight, but even if I wouldn't I know now I don't have to to like myself anymore. I feel sad that the little girl that was called too skinny, white and small, had friends one day and then no one would speak to her the next day, got so lost that I took me all this time to find her and learn that it's ok to love her again. I don't know why they decided it was ok to kill my confidence, I guess they didn't know how deeply they hurt me back then. I'm finally free. I'm finally me again.

    Happy me before a workout

Maiju